Leaving Japan...land of many f'n protocols!

TLD isn't crazy about my taste of Japan.  Firstly, in the land of the rising sun, it didn't.  Second, what's with those bathrooms...it's like a damned stairmaster getting into, and out of those things!...IF you can get into, and out of those things!  Steps everywhere...bedroom, up 3", bathroom up 12", livingroom, down 2", kitchen down 5"....WTF?  Until you get used to it, you trip or stumble everywhere...I think the Japanese are in kahoots with the Russkies...they are officially on my shitlist!  The Japanese spend most of their style time on hair and clothes...I don't know how many guys I saw that had way too much hair for their heads...like Elvis on steroids.  Some might say I'm jealous because things are getting a little sparse up there for TLD...but you'd be wrong!  I do a comb-over from my nose and ears, and you'd never know I was bald.  And another thing...what's with all that paper they give you at the airports?  You get a white boarding pass, ok...then you get a pink security pass, then you get a yellow receipt of boarding pass, the brown bathroom pass, the amber beer pass, the transparent vodka pass,...you get the idea...passes for everything!  And another thing, if I wanted cold, I could stay in Canada...Japan is colder than a well diggers knee!
So now it's off to Mumbai!  We can put away the snowmobile suits, and get out the shorts!  Although Cassandra tells me I can't wear shorts in villages, it has to be long pants.  I think she say's that because she doesn't want the Indian women jumping me because of my very sexy legs!  I'm sure that's it!

A semi-nice day in gale force winds!

We woke up today and Alexa said "what's that thing up in the sky, it hurts my eyes?"...it was the sun, all 30 seconds of it!  Oh well, the plan was to climb the tallest f'n mountain in Itchygawky...I was all for it until the girls told me we couldn't drive up there...I guess they don't care that I'm famous...I'm hurt.  I amused myself while they said they went hiking...turns out, a block from where they left me on the trail was a shopping mall.  2 hours later, they show up with all kinds of bags...they had some 'splainin' to do!  They told me how handsome I was and all those bags melted away...then we went for lunch.  1:30 in the afternoon, middle of nowhere on Itchygawky Island and this place is PACKED!!!  They couldn't have known I was coming, but of course the crowd went wild...well, except for this stupid kid...

 Can you believe this kid...doesn't he know who I am?  Anyway, we went in for lunch and I had soba...I know, I had no idea either!  It was really good...the f'n bowl was bigger than the bathtub in the AirBnB we rent!

Then we drove to the north end of the island and saw this guy ripping around on a kite board...

Alexa wanted to be out there...she's a pro at kite boarding...learned it all from me!!!  Tomorrow we head back to Tokyo, then Mumbai on New Years eve day...I'll teach India a lesson or two!

Making the best of it!

I may have mentioned that we are in a really f'n lovely weather pattern...no really lovely!  We went out today to see this...

...this is the tourist board photo...we saw this...

...not to be discouraged, we went to see this...

but what we saw was this...

Well if you see any similarities you're Ray f'n Charles!  Finally, the rain let up a bit...but all I could see were these flowers...Cassandra calls them High Biscuits...I called them red...

The weather sucked, so I volunteered to buy a nice bottle of sake to toast the really shitty weather.  I went to the local liquor store and asked for some really good sake, but what they sold me was Awamori that gushes out of the Holy Mountain "OMOTO"...the Newfies call this shit Screech!  HOLY CRAP!!!  This shit is like drinking gasoline while yer on meth!  I didn't want to explode while they gave me the keys to the city, so I went back to the store and got some real sake...Alexa helped me figure out what was what, and we are mildly hammered now...and as you all know, I write my best stuff when I um...what was I talking about?  Oh well, then we went out for dinner to a beef place... I got to sit with the two hottest chicks in the place...as usual!

We scarfed down half a cow...some special cow that came from Itchygawky...I think that's in Japan or something...I don't know, I have little people to take care of stuff like that.  OK, ya had enough?

Hurricane Itchygawky...

We flew out of Naha this morning, on our way to Itchygawky Island...I may have the spelling wrong on that, but all the words are in a foreign language here.  The weather was pretty wild when we flew out...the plane was rockin' like Jurassic was screwing in the can on one side of the airplane!  For those who don't know, Jurassic is the size of the hulk, but only turns green when he see's spiders...little bitty spiders send him into a tizzy and he whimpers like a 3 year old.  But I digress...the wind was wild, the sea was angry and other metaphorical bull crap.  So here we are in Itchy and Scratchy Japan or something, and we've rented an AirBnB that's really big by Japanese standards

 
To let you know how big this place is, I got a blue ping pong ball for scale...this place is huge!  You can almost sit down in the toilet..........almost.  As you know, TLD has traveled the world, met presidents, popes, celebrities almost as famous as me, and constipated people who don't give a shit, but this one had me stumped...what do you think this is all about?

My first inclination is it's some unnatural sexual act that I described to Cassandra...she said no, that's not unnatural...so go figure.  So in the middle of the hurricane, we went to lunch...little seafood place down the road, and they had the teeth of some shark or something, and pictures of all the people it ate!

There are a lot more pictures, but when I show all the pictures, you can barely see the teeth...and because the Japanese are so little, the shark ate them all on one day, which they call Burpday, and they celebrate it every year....................anyone buying this load of crap?

I don't know how he does it!

Santa found me in Okifinoki!  Naha! (don't laugh, remember?)  I don't know how the hell he did that...really, someone want to tell me how in the hell he found me?  Was it the big search lights they always fire up when I travel...was it all the red carpets the TLD fan clubs put out...was it the smell?  It's just unbelievable isn't it...and look what he brought me...

 Ya...Cassandra's daughter Alexa!  TLD is the VP of her fan club...ya, Cassandra is the Prez!  I got that shot on Xmas day watching the sun go down in Okifinoki...what a beauty!  This shot is at the end of a long day of shopping...that's how much I love that kid...TLD went shopping with the girls!  Alexa gave me a magic wallet...I press a button and all my credit cards fly up...I got to use it a lot shopping with those two!  We ended up back in the market, and some guy had an owl...owl didn't look too happy about it either...

He flew off and brought TLD back a dead, Russian rat...I congratulated him on his good taste!  The only distasteful part of it was the rat had Trump hair...even the owl wouldn't eat it!  That was yesterday, today we went up north on the island, to a nice little beach with really weird rock formations...

 
The girls did a little snorkeling...I hovered in case of an emegency!

While I was on guard duty, I saw this thing in the tide pool...at first I thought someone had been caught short, but the thing wasn't brown, and it was moving!

Cassandra said it was a sea cucumber.............ya right!  She's always trying to foolerate me!

A Japanese Castle....

So this castle I'm talking about is a remake of the original the Americans destroyed in the war.  It's all made out of wood, the buildings I mean, and kind of looks like a Chinese restaurant, but it's all good...I mean, if you like that kind of thing.  Here is one of the gates...

...and this is a decoration from the palace....looks like a place that I got really sick at...

They called it the Golden Dragon in Saskatoon...they served really mediocre Chinese, and high mileage hookers, but I digress!  They had this sign somewhere in the big square that people stand around in...

Being familiar with Japanese, I personally translated it for you..."Please make not roll in spaghetti during one legged race".  I don't make this stuff up...this woman was just as perplexed as I was...

They didn't run any spaghetti races when we were there, but that doesn't mean the Emperor didn't like them.  They had big walls and stuff...

...and the kind of stuff you'd expect from spaghetti racers...

 ...and this thing in the Emperors private toilet that kind of surprised me...

...ya, things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  While I was pondering little Tweeties fate, I looked over and Cassandra was trying to pick up some skate dude...I KICKED HIS ASS!!!!

The castle is up on a hill, and I thought we'd better get the hell out of there before any other animals started hitting on Cassandra, so we walked down this hill...

Thought maybe we'd get some tourist info, and when I came back out, this horndog was making obscene gestures at Cassandra who seemed to be welcoming them....hmmmmmmmmm again.

So then we went to a market...

...and this little old lady tried to get Cassandra to go home with her...

Christ, I thought the Russians were bad!

Naha Japan...littleland!

After flying all night, we got to Tokyo at about 6 pm local time, then another 3 hours to Naha, on the island of Okifinoki...the locals call it Okinawa...which means littleland!  I know that sounds like I'm dissing the Japanese, but stuff over here is small...obviously, I don't have experience in EVERYTHING, but here are a few examples:
1.  Naha in Japanese means don't laugh...no really...think about it...Na means no, and ha means laugh!
     So, if the name of the town is "Don't laugh"...what else is small?

2.  Here is Cassandra in our Kingsized suite!

3.  Possible difficulties ahead!

You can see the problem!

Anyway, we are about to adventure out into Littleland...we'll be safe, I'm wearing a condom again.

Mid air collision of drunk and obnoxious!

Ha.........................I'll bet you are sorry you ever wanted to read the drivel I write!  If you weren't before, now is the time!  I am in the air...writing to you from somewhere in the middle of nowhere...on an f'ing airplane!  I went from wine to some liqueur...now it's scotch to seal the deal!  First I watched the Jason Bourne movie because me man...me watch bad shit...well, mediocre shit, or same old shit...I lost track after the second scotch!  So here I am...up in the air flying to some foreign country nobody has ever heard of...ok, some of you may have heard of Japan...I think they experimented with a bomb there, but I think it's one of the Russian propaganda things.  So, here I am on an airplane, over someplace called Alaskaski...Russian I think...ya, more scotch!  Ya know, the f'n Russians are tailing me again...

See that bitch over my right or left shoulder...........Russian!  Yep.............I'm going to be more convinced when I have that other scotch...did I order it or did you?  Nevermind...they've turned out the lights and all sorts of shadowy characters are running about...shit, the sun is barely down and they have the lights out...WTF?  I've got Grace Jones on the headset...Slave to the rythm...isn't that a Catholic propaganda song...anyway, I'm on top of it!  This is what I see now...

F'ers have me blind...I'm goin' to switch to night vision...ya, that's better...

SHIT...I never should have bought my night vision from Trump at Night...BASTARDO!!!  OK, plan B....I'm going to crawl around on the floor and see whose panties I find....er, I mean I'm going to surveil the enemy area.  Yes, TLD will keep us safe...I'm wearing a condom already!

New addition to the trip!

It just keeps getting better and better!  First we go to Oki...uh, Oki...um, Oki...just messin' with ya,
it's Nawa!  Then we fly to India...to the mumble capital of the world, Mumbai!  Mumbai means mumble in
Mumbaian!  Yup, as a matter of fact it's pronounced Mummmmbiammmmmmmummmummm!  Then we go to a place
called Udaipur, which means "who has the diapers?  You?", but you don't mumble!  It's complicated in India, I guess.  Eventually we fly out to some islands called Lakshadweep, which means "I cry cuz there's no shade"...I guess I'll find out when I get there.

Casstonto sez we sunbathe on the runway for a week until the plane takes us away again...you think that's
true?  We are greeted by the mayor of the runway...did I mention it's a matriarchy...

Is it just me, or do they look hungry?  I think they are reading lunch menu's/flight itineraries...oh crap!  JUST KIDDING!!!...they're just TLD groupies!  I get em everywhere I go...Casstonto is used to it!
Well amigos, the next time you hear from me I will be in Oki...um Oki...you know!  The adventure continues!!!

7 days from today...

Well amigos, 7 days from today the grand adventure starts!  Casstonto is running around with her hair on fire...but not TLD!  I have things under control, as always.  In 7 days we will fly to Japan, to Oki...uh, Oki...I know it's not the Okanogan, oh ya, it's Okifinoki!  My great grandfather was from there you know!  Ya, here he is toasting his own beer with a soldier who won the war...Budifinoki Beer...

That tradition continues today with Emporer Okifinoki...

I think he has my eye's...well, we are related after all!  TLD is know world wide!  One last question before I sign off for today...anyone know who this is?

Here's a hint...that is not nose hair!

DANGER, DANGER TLD!!!

Yes amigos, the dark empire is actively plotting against TLD!  Case in point, Vladimir Putin as he appeared on Russian television just this morning...

Obviously, this has caused TLD to ramp up my efforts of deception...I will roam the world in disguise in order to keep the world free...or at least to use any bathroom you identify with!  THEN, (I didn't get the whole translation, but something about small hands and anatomy of someone) THIS!

To that end, I will be vigilante in my disguises...like this...

...and this...

...the whiskers and spray tan are exceptionally effective, don't you think?  I ask all my amigos to stand with me against...uh...well...BAD STUFF!  Right on...power to the people...TLD out! 

We live in dangerous times!

As many of you are aware, TLD had problems with the Russians in Vietnam.  The Russians decided that they would attempt to mess with me before hacking into the DNC...but I was onto them, even when they recruited the Gastonguay-Beaudry's!  I thought we had shaken them...not a single sign of them in Sri Lanka.  However, ever since they changed the American election results, they have been emboldened...and I see they are watching me once more.  They are Russian, and I write in English, so this is almost an unbreakable code for them...I mean, can anyone read Russian but Russians?  Anyway, I've decided to try some disguises before we start travelling.  They have turbines in India, I don't know why because everyone say's it hot there...and don't turbines have hot exhaust?  Well, just as a test, I tried on my first disguise...do you recognize me?

India may be canceled!

Our tourist board has notified us that travel to India may no longer be safe.  They cited major, disturbing changes within the country, and gave these photos as examples of these terrifying changes...I will keep you informed.  TLD out!