Leaving Japan...land of many f'n protocols!

TLD isn't crazy about my taste of Japan.  Firstly, in the land of the rising sun, it didn't.  Second, what's with those bathrooms...it's like a damned stairmaster getting into, and out of those things!...IF you can get into, and out of those things!  Steps everywhere...bedroom, up 3", bathroom up 12", livingroom, down 2", kitchen down 5"....WTF?  Until you get used to it, you trip or stumble everywhere...I think the Japanese are in kahoots with the Russkies...they are officially on my shitlist!  The Japanese spend most of their style time on hair and clothes...I don't know how many guys I saw that had way too much hair for their heads...like Elvis on steroids.  Some might say I'm jealous because things are getting a little sparse up there for TLD...but you'd be wrong!  I do a comb-over from my nose and ears, and you'd never know I was bald.  And another thing...what's with all that paper they give you at the airports?  You get a white boarding pass, ok...then you get a pink security pass, then you get a yellow receipt of boarding pass, the brown bathroom pass, the amber beer pass, the transparent vodka pass,...you get the idea...passes for everything!  And another thing, if I wanted cold, I could stay in Canada...Japan is colder than a well diggers knee!
So now it's off to Mumbai!  We can put away the snowmobile suits, and get out the shorts!  Although Cassandra tells me I can't wear shorts in villages, it has to be long pants.  I think she say's that because she doesn't want the Indian women jumping me because of my very sexy legs!  I'm sure that's it!

A semi-nice day in gale force winds!

We woke up today and Alexa said "what's that thing up in the sky, it hurts my eyes?"...it was the sun, all 30 seconds of it!  Oh well, the plan was to climb the tallest f'n mountain in Itchygawky...I was all for it until the girls told me we couldn't drive up there...I guess they don't care that I'm famous...I'm hurt.  I amused myself while they said they went hiking...turns out, a block from where they left me on the trail was a shopping mall.  2 hours later, they show up with all kinds of bags...they had some 'splainin' to do!  They told me how handsome I was and all those bags melted away...then we went for lunch.  1:30 in the afternoon, middle of nowhere on Itchygawky Island and this place is PACKED!!!  They couldn't have known I was coming, but of course the crowd went wild...well, except for this stupid kid...

 Can you believe this kid...doesn't he know who I am?  Anyway, we went in for lunch and I had soba...I know, I had no idea either!  It was really good...the f'n bowl was bigger than the bathtub in the AirBnB we rent!

Then we drove to the north end of the island and saw this guy ripping around on a kite board...

Alexa wanted to be out there...she's a pro at kite boarding...learned it all from me!!!  Tomorrow we head back to Tokyo, then Mumbai on New Years eve day...I'll teach India a lesson or two!

Making the best of it!

I may have mentioned that we are in a really f'n lovely weather pattern...no really lovely!  We went out today to see this...

...this is the tourist board photo...we saw this...

...not to be discouraged, we went to see this...

but what we saw was this...

Well if you see any similarities you're Ray f'n Charles!  Finally, the rain let up a bit...but all I could see were these flowers...Cassandra calls them High Biscuits...I called them red...

The weather sucked, so I volunteered to buy a nice bottle of sake to toast the really shitty weather.  I went to the local liquor store and asked for some really good sake, but what they sold me was Awamori that gushes out of the Holy Mountain "OMOTO"...the Newfies call this shit Screech!  HOLY CRAP!!!  This shit is like drinking gasoline while yer on meth!  I didn't want to explode while they gave me the keys to the city, so I went back to the store and got some real sake...Alexa helped me figure out what was what, and we are mildly hammered now...and as you all know, I write my best stuff when I um...what was I talking about?  Oh well, then we went out for dinner to a beef place... I got to sit with the two hottest chicks in the place...as usual!

We scarfed down half a cow...some special cow that came from Itchygawky...I think that's in Japan or something...I don't know, I have little people to take care of stuff like that.  OK, ya had enough?

Hurricane Itchygawky...

We flew out of Naha this morning, on our way to Itchygawky Island...I may have the spelling wrong on that, but all the words are in a foreign language here.  The weather was pretty wild when we flew out...the plane was rockin' like Jurassic was screwing in the can on one side of the airplane!  For those who don't know, Jurassic is the size of the hulk, but only turns green when he see's spiders...little bitty spiders send him into a tizzy and he whimpers like a 3 year old.  But I digress...the wind was wild, the sea was angry and other metaphorical bull crap.  So here we are in Itchy and Scratchy Japan or something, and we've rented an AirBnB that's really big by Japanese standards

 
To let you know how big this place is, I got a blue ping pong ball for scale...this place is huge!  You can almost sit down in the toilet..........almost.  As you know, TLD has traveled the world, met presidents, popes, celebrities almost as famous as me, and constipated people who don't give a shit, but this one had me stumped...what do you think this is all about?

My first inclination is it's some unnatural sexual act that I described to Cassandra...she said no, that's not unnatural...so go figure.  So in the middle of the hurricane, we went to lunch...little seafood place down the road, and they had the teeth of some shark or something, and pictures of all the people it ate!

There are a lot more pictures, but when I show all the pictures, you can barely see the teeth...and because the Japanese are so little, the shark ate them all on one day, which they call Burpday, and they celebrate it every year....................anyone buying this load of crap?

I don't know how he does it!

Santa found me in Okifinoki!  Naha! (don't laugh, remember?)  I don't know how the hell he did that...really, someone want to tell me how in the hell he found me?  Was it the big search lights they always fire up when I travel...was it all the red carpets the TLD fan clubs put out...was it the smell?  It's just unbelievable isn't it...and look what he brought me...

 Ya...Cassandra's daughter Alexa!  TLD is the VP of her fan club...ya, Cassandra is the Prez!  I got that shot on Xmas day watching the sun go down in Okifinoki...what a beauty!  This shot is at the end of a long day of shopping...that's how much I love that kid...TLD went shopping with the girls!  Alexa gave me a magic wallet...I press a button and all my credit cards fly up...I got to use it a lot shopping with those two!  We ended up back in the market, and some guy had an owl...owl didn't look too happy about it either...

He flew off and brought TLD back a dead, Russian rat...I congratulated him on his good taste!  The only distasteful part of it was the rat had Trump hair...even the owl wouldn't eat it!  That was yesterday, today we went up north on the island, to a nice little beach with really weird rock formations...

 
The girls did a little snorkeling...I hovered in case of an emegency!

While I was on guard duty, I saw this thing in the tide pool...at first I thought someone had been caught short, but the thing wasn't brown, and it was moving!

Cassandra said it was a sea cucumber.............ya right!  She's always trying to foolerate me!