It was bound to happen...brought down in a hail of bullets...like Bonnie and Clyde, only BIG!
The last couple of days were uneventful really...I spent my last Agonda...or Anaconda day as TLD referred to it, with my buddy Dave "The Derelict" O'Neil, and his beautiful bride Anne. The days were slow, and the livin' was easy...well, except for the f'n WIFI at The Not-So-Secret Garden! Godwin's (the owner) kids get first shot at the internet, and until the little f'ers go to school, TLD didn't have a hope in hell of getting on. That's fine, the little shits have to have their fun...who cares what kind of mayhem, and nastiness may be going on in the World that TLD could fix...who cares? Anyway, my buddy Dave "Ol' Pervert" O'Neil drinks a lot...he get's the demon rum in him, and he starts to think about cheating on Anne with the local goat ...and we aren't talking an attractive goat either. I digress...the WIFI...to get WIFI in my room, I had to put my computer on the end of my suitcase, in front of my window, and then stand close to it to get a signal...on bad days I had to stand on my left foot, and wave my right (NOT both!) arm clockwise, while wearing my aluminum foil hat. TLD asks you, HOW IN THE F IS HE SUPPOSED TO WRITE AND DO ALL THAT? OK, I did it...was nothin' really! On the last full day in Algonquin, my buddy Dave "The Ram" O'Neil took me to a bar and made me drink Ol' Pervert rum with him...he got sloppy drunk, and went goat tipping...not me, I got this rather nice shot of some sort of canoe race...who knows?
Then, my buddy Dave "The Goat Whisperer" O'Neil had his buddy Dian come by...
Dian is a cool guy...no goat tipping for him! After my buddy Dave "The Tipster" O'Neil got changed out of his hip waders, Anne called us for dinner. Anne and I walked to a very nice restaurant, but my buddy Dave "Rubber Leg" O'Neil kept falling in the gutter and yelling "I'm ALRIGHT...I'm ALRIGHT!...were's that goat?" We had a nice dinner, went home, and Anne bailed my buddy Dave "The Torpedo" O'Neil out of jail. The next day I said goodbye to Anne, and my buddy Dave "Dialysis" O'Neil...took a cab to Goa to start my journey home...that's when it all started to go bad. I'd hired a cab to take me there...it turns out he had tuberculosis, and possibly epilepsy! I don't know ...when he wasn't coughing, he was jerking the steering wheel back and forth like he was having some sort of seizure...we didn't die, but I don't know why. So I stayed at this groovy little place called "Coconut Creek Resort"...
...kind of on the beach...
...kind of on the beach...
...with sunsets...
...and stuff. Before you knew it, I was on a plane to Delhi! I had to change terminals in Delhi, and was told the shuttle bus was only 25 rupees. TLD likes cavorting with the little people, so I decided to take the bus. That doesn't mean that a less than charming little asshole cab driver wouldn't offer his services for 2000 rupees, then 1500, then 1250, then 800, and finally 500...that's when I asked HIM if he knew what f off meant...I took the bus! Remember all that shit you saw on tv about people cramming into the trains in Delhi......same same with buses! I waited for the driver to take my bag and almost missed the f'n bus! HOLY CRAP...it's like I'm thrown into the middle of an NFL game...I'm being hit high, then my knees are taken out, some woman has me in a head lock...I'm fighting for my life, and the bus isn't even moving yet!...I'm still fighting to get on! It get's worse from there, some old broad tries to butt in front of me...I gave her the old Gordie Howe elbow to the throat...she dropped like a rented mule! In a speedy 4 hours, we get to Terminal 3. Did I mention that I'm flying China Southern Airlines business? No...well let me tell you, business in China Southern is like a Chinese Re-Education Camp run by the Keystone Cops! Never heard of it...it's no bloody wonder! As far as I can tell, they only fly at night. Ya, I flew out of Delhi at midnight to Guangzhou China (what the hell kind of name is Guangzhou anyhow?)...arrived at 7:20 am, then had to wait until it was dark again to fly out of Guangzhou home, arriving in Vancouver at 9:30 am. The Delhi to Guangzhou was where it all went into the ditch. In business you probably imagine tidy little pods...........not on China Southern! No beds, no seats, just a communal mattress that is first come, first to the bathroom! My bunkmate was a young Chinese kid...maybe 30. If you thought the taxi driver had TB, this kid REALLY HAD IT!!! When he wasn't coughing, hacking, and snorting, he was farting...LOUD, stinky, water buffalo rippers...this kid must have shit his pants a dozen times! He finally fell asleep, and that's when the final straw came......HE SNORED LOUDER THAN HE FARTED!!! I had no choice, I smothered him with his pillow. Yup, killed that shit dead! I didn't get caught but being dead, he couldn't tie the bed sheet around his waist to fasten his seat belt at landing...he flew around the cabin a bit, but everyone ignored him. The other business passengers were so thrilled that I did this guy in, that they hid me on the way out! Because we are now in China, we have to go through security 12 times...the Guangzhou Gong Show. Belt on, belt off, shoes on, shoes off, underwear in the right hand, underwear in the left hand...WTF? That's when I pulled out my FREE GOOGLE sign...that was a mistake. They don't like Google here...they don't ALLOW Google here! I don't blame them, but what the hell...gotta have a little fun with these guys! Short story long, my head prison guard was the president of the TLD fan club, Guangzhou chapter...out in time for another night flight. So here I sit...on my luxurious wooden bench in business, while economy rows!
Ya, ok, I didn't die...but now I'm a Grandpa...I have more important duties! TLD OUT!!! Here are some final shots of the trip!
The last couple of days were uneventful really...I spent my last Agonda...or Anaconda day as TLD referred to it, with my buddy Dave "The Derelict" O'Neil, and his beautiful bride Anne. The days were slow, and the livin' was easy...well, except for the f'n WIFI at The Not-So-Secret Garden! Godwin's (the owner) kids get first shot at the internet, and until the little f'ers go to school, TLD didn't have a hope in hell of getting on. That's fine, the little shits have to have their fun...who cares what kind of mayhem, and nastiness may be going on in the World that TLD could fix...who cares? Anyway, my buddy Dave "Ol' Pervert" O'Neil drinks a lot...he get's the demon rum in him, and he starts to think about cheating on Anne with the local goat ...and we aren't talking an attractive goat either. I digress...the WIFI...to get WIFI in my room, I had to put my computer on the end of my suitcase, in front of my window, and then stand close to it to get a signal...on bad days I had to stand on my left foot, and wave my right (NOT both!) arm clockwise, while wearing my aluminum foil hat. TLD asks you, HOW IN THE F IS HE SUPPOSED TO WRITE AND DO ALL THAT? OK, I did it...was nothin' really! On the last full day in Algonquin, my buddy Dave "The Ram" O'Neil took me to a bar and made me drink Ol' Pervert rum with him...he got sloppy drunk, and went goat tipping...not me, I got this rather nice shot of some sort of canoe race...who knows?
Ya, ok, I didn't die...but now I'm a Grandpa...I have more important duties! TLD OUT!!! Here are some final shots of the trip!
