The lineage review...

Some of you are skeptical of my royal lineage...I've done my best to show my credentials, but you persist in questioning.  When we started this trip to India, I showed you pictures of myself and my relatives, just to prove I had Indian roots, and that you could trust what I say in the blog regarding all things Indian.  Being in Jaipur, I decided to drop by the old family house to show Cassandra around.  It was thunder and lightning out...pouring rain, but that didn't dampen our spirits!  It's a modest little place by TLD standards...

It has some electrical issues (which I will address later in the blog), but all in all, a cozy little place.  This is the gardeners cottage...

Times have changed sadly, it's now a 7/11...but the mango Slurpee's are really good!  They even have valet parking!

This I can't figure out...they had the canon pointed directly at the drive thru at the 7/11...I guess to scare off the drive-by gang violence...

Anyway, some of the doors to the palace are still adorned the was my relatives like them...and I just want to point out that that shit ain't wallpaper, I painted it by hand...well, some of it.

I'll have you know that I MADE that door myself...out of 1 piece of solid brass...and carved just the way I did those caves back in that place where the caves are...

Right in the entry way of the palace were painting of two of my great uncles.  This is Great, great Uncle Maharajah Mergatroid DeRanger Singh XII...he was a bit of a cross dresser...

...and Great, great, great Uncle Maharaja Daryl "Binky" DeRanger Singh LCXII...

Binky was a pool hustler in Albuquerque for a couple years before returning to India...the Paul Newman character in The Hustler is based on Binky...ya didn't know THAT, didya?  Anyway, we keep a cousin on staff here now...Raja "Fat Bastard" Bernard Singh II...he's the character the banjo player in Deliverance is based on...

And as we strolled away from memory lane, I got a picture of this guy, just so you wouldn't think I'd dropped the ball.

Oh crap, I almost forgot to explain the electrical problems!  As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words...here are the electricians...my buddy Perry is the third one on the left!

Why would they call it anything else?

We are currently in a very nice hotel in Jaipur...

We are up on the third floor which they call they second floor..........don't ask.  Somewhere close to the hotel is a mosque that has a unique way to broadcast the call to prayer in the morning and afternoon...they play Frank Sinatra singing "Come fly with me" but instead of "fly" they insert "pray"...so in the morning I wake up to "Come pray with me, let's pray, let's pray away....If you can use some booze, There's a bar in far Bombay...Come pray with me, let's pray, let's pray away!"  I guess they're marketing to infidels..............or something.  Anyway, while I was relieving myself the first night, I spotted this name on the toilet...why would they call it anything else?

...and this is the company that delivers them....and ONLY them!

...and this is their biggest client...although they seem to be out of business...

On our second day in Jaipur, I took to the streets to find some old men...they weren't at the Hardas Mansion, but I did find them...

 

I got back to the hotel just in time to meet Chon from Arkansas...

We met a few of the people that are on the tour we are joining in a few days...all women, all lusting after me...Cassandra broke out the cattle prod.........

I'M BAAAACK!

Lakshadweep...I know I never (Trump) told you it meant lack of shade making me cry, and now I'm not telling you (Trump again) it means "I'm gunna puke because we spent 9 hours getting to and from this place on a shitty little boat that goes too slow"!  Now that IS accurate!  Lakshadweep is a group of islands somewhat close to The Maldives, but less developed.  The island we stayed on is called Kadmat...for some reason I couldn't remember that and always called it Mactac...so sue me!  No internet for 7 days...I missed King Dumbass's inauguration...in case you don't know where I stand on this issue, my buddy Jurassic send this:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RMwjaZouNY

That should clear things up a bit.

Life on Mactac is leisurely...no, comatose!  This is rush hour in Mactac...

I could take that shot anytime of the day, and other than the sun changing position, EMPTY!  It wasn't all nice though...just look at the shitty beaches up north!

 What kind of self respecting beach would have a rock on it?  Disgraceful!  Cassandra went into the kitchen and taught the staff how to cook...that was a good thing...she showed them what to do with green papaya!

   It's a good thing they didn't ask me...ya...think about it!  We took a tour of the island in an empty 15 minutes we had...I got this shot of a rope maker in town...

...but usually, our days ended like this...

Now we are in Jaipur...I successfully no longer know where I am, or what day it is!  I know Jaipur is in India...3 plane rides and a long boat trip from Mactac.  We left yesterday...today is today.  Now that you are all caught up, it's time for you to leave some funny comments...ya, even the shy people...take a chance...I almost hardly ever bite!

Aurangabad to Hyderabad to Kochi...

We left Aurangabad with good intentions...you know it doesn't end well!  Packed the night before, got up early to get breakfast and go to a mausoleum...sort of a mini Taj Mahal.  Story is, a rock star named Big Willie...I don't know what the Indian translation is...but he met, and fell in love with a groupie named Trixie.  Apparently Trixie had a huge set of lungs on her...sort of a cross between Aretha Franklin and Kitty Wells...and Trixie could sing, gargle, and play the violin at the same time!  This drove Big Willie CRAZY...the first time he saw her do that he kind of wet his pants and stuff!  Big Willie loved Trixie, and Trixie loved Big Willie, but this love story was not to be.  Trixie had a thing for naked sky diving...the chute didn't open and she was impaled on Big Willies flag pole while Big Willie sunbathed.  To say the least, Big Willie was crushed!  He build this mausoleum as tribute, and called it the Trixie Mahal...

Cassandra was sitting on the partition half way down the non-reflecting pool, drawing...

This is the window looking out from Trixie's burial room...couldn't show the casket for licensing reasons.  I don't think this was the first time Trixie slid down a pole...well, enough about that...

Big Willie did a fine job...I thought it was a little crass to have the flag pole through the casket, but what do I know?

We had to run out of the Trixie Mahal to check out of our hotel...the one that a worker tried to break into our room while we were in it to rob us...and then get to our plane.  The corpse was still  hanging on the pole where I left him...as a warning NOT to mess with TLD...that was good!  We climbed into the cab with the trembling cab driver, and headed off to the airport.  Turns out, in all our haste, we had missed the fact that the plane was delayed 4 hours, and we would miss our connection to Kochi!  The airline was very upset that a big star like me was inconvenienced, so they comped us a room at the Novotel for the night in Hyderabad.  Ya, I'm just shittin' ya...we missed our f'n connection by 15 minutes, and had to get a room close to the airport to fly out the next day.  Novotel is a nice hotel...Cassandra said she was going to make to most of it and went for a swim at 8 pm...crazy old broad that she is!  Got to the airport early the next day only to find some sort of frat party going on, boarding our flight...crazy bare foot guys in dresses with their lunch on their heads...I know it sounds crazy, but there ya have it!

 I don't know what the hell these guys were up to, but they held onto the escalator like they were being pushed out of an airplane, screamed like little girls when the plane took off, and had a pool going as to who could get into the bathroom the most...other than that, an uneventful flight!

So tomorrow we are off to Lakshadweep...some tropical paradise in the middle of nowhere with no internet that we know of...sounds pretty good though...ya jealous?

In India, all is fair in love and roads.

We made it through another day of madness on the road...up to the other set of "caves".  If we hadn't seen the other ones first, these would be impressive, but after that first day, these seemed kind of ho-hum.

In the monsoon season, with the valley all green, and waterfalls all around this place, it would be staggeringly beautiful!  With everything gray and brown, it kind of looks like the Cleveland of "caves".  Don't get me wrong, these "caves" have their own charm...

 These temples had the big rooms too...30 foot high ceilings!

 As far as traveling in India...specifically, traveling by car...AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!