What do you think of when you hear of a cave?

OK, so we are in a foreign country, and maybe they have different words for things here.  Like clean means covered in cow shit, or quiet means no honking, or yelling for 2 seconds...just kidding, it's hardly like that more than 80% of the time!  So Cassandra wanted to come to this place to see "The Caves"...we are in a city called Aurangabad.  When I think of a cave, I think of a hole in the ground...this in NO f'n hole in the ground!

Are these people geniuses, or real bozo's?  Who decides to carve a temple out of solid rock?  Don't they know you can go to Home Depot and buy building shit?  This stuff is HUGE...even bigger than Trumps gut!  

 That's Cassandra standing on the edge of the cliff these guys hacked out of solid f'n ROCK!!!

 

 ...and it's not just the outside of the buildings...THESE DAMNED THINGS ARE HOLLOW!

Everything is level, flat, vertical,  and incredibly detailed!  WHO DOES SHIT LIKE THIS?...DIDN'T ANYONE TELL THEM IT'S SOLID F'N ROCK!!!  Look at the scale of this place... 

I took a lot of photos, but nothing (like all of India) can prepare you for what it REALLY is!

 That gallery is over 30 feet high...I took the photo from the balcony!

I don't know why, but Cassandra wanted me to take this photo of her on the toilet...

Yes, I know the photo is dark...it was f'n dark in there...IT'S A CAVE BOZO!  I don't know how they do this kind of stuff...they had sculptures of Cassandra and I...

Yes, I know I'm copping a little feel...so what?  There was, of course, the TLD fan club following me around wanting selfies and autographs...

This guy was the president of the fan club...

Cool hairhat huh?  Hey, it's India...relaxed dress code here!  Tomorrow is an even bigger temple out of rock...I should open a Home Depot here, I'm telling you!

Last day in Udaipur...sadly.

Yes, our last day...then off to Aurangabad...another one you should say 3 times fast...it means bad orangutan, not that there are any in India...WHAT?...you think I've got time to keep track of orangutan's?...get a grip dingleberry!  I just figured out how to spell Udaipur, now we leave.  Anyway, I have to admit being surprised by the statue of me in that pillar temple...how did they get such a startling likeness?...accurate right down to the...uh...well, I don't want to brag...the mask, ya, that's it, the mask!
So, we've spent a week in Udaipur, and believe it or not, it reminds me of San Francisco!...without the Golden Gate Bridge, the Bay Bridge, the cable cars, Fisherman's Wharf, Candlestick Park, the Haight Ashbury, Golden Gate Park, the TransAmerica Pyramid...shit, what am I thinking, it's not at all like San Francisco!  Oh wait, there are hills...lots and lots of hills...and cows, goats, dogs, pigeons, and beggars who all want money to be photographed by moi.  Have they forgotten I'm me, and they aren't...silly beggars!  It was my last chance to get out there and get some old farts having the time of their lives...here's one...

...nope, he was just nodding off...how 'bout this guy...

...well, he's kind of grumpy...how 'bout this guy, he was just drinking a little chai...

...ya, that's more like it!...then there was this guy...

...he was great...he took off that orange hat and put it on me!

This old guy just kept on chanting SEAHAWKS!, SEAHAWKS!, SEAHAWKS!...I think he was still drunk from last year....

...and this old girl just kept saying WTF?...in Indian , of course...

...this one wanted me to take her photo, but had one hand in my pocket...she got a surprise when the python attacked!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH...just another/last day in Udaipur!

It's a bloody big fort, I tell ya!

We got up early because we had a big day planned...but first we went for breakfast on a rooftop restaurant overlooking Udaipur...

...off to the left is some sort of palace...the place is full of em...

After a nice breakfast, we went fort hunting, and found one...there's nothing like a big fort to get you going in the morning...good thing it wasn't raining or it would have been a great big wet fort, and nobody likes those.  Anyway, this great big fort (can't stop thinking about the wet fort can you?) has the second longest wall on the planet...some Chinese amusement park has the other one!  It looks like this...

...This big fort was impressive...

 

These people are very clever...firstly, they put the Starbucks way out in the middle of nowhere...

...Even the Starbucks monkey's took their break away from that place...

Secondly, they didn't let McDonalds go crazy with colours...that would have ruined it I think...

You may not be able to see it, but that's a statue of the Hamburglar!  Anyway, we climbed all the way to the top...I was going to take my private helicopter, but Cassandra thought it would cause too much of a stir...she likes the little people, and has as many shoes as Imelda!

 I don't know who the King or whatever was, but he must have had a big butt...this is his wartime bathroom...the toilet is gone, but look at the size of the shitter hole in the floor on the right...it's enormous (and it still smelled damp in there after 1100 years)...

...ok, maybe you can't see it cuz of the HUGE turd stains, but it's there, take my word for it.  Then we went to a temple called...well, who cares what it's called, I can't spell it anyway.  Here's the story...some rich guy was downtown one day and went into Pillars R Us...they had a sale on, and he went crazy...bought everything they had...I've done that in liquor stores!  Anyway, when he came to his senses, he thought "Shit...what am I gunna do with all these pillars?"  He had an architect friend who said "I can get rid of all that crap for ya...we'll build a crazy temple and fill it with these goofy things!"  The rich guy thought this was great...he wasn't too imaginative...so they built this place...

I know, it doesn't look like much on the outside, but it's sure sez Pillars R Us on the inside!

...and I found out that if you lay on your back, and look straight up in the air...if you are in the right spot, you can see this...I have no idea what this is, but I needed to lay down for a bit...

Now I don't know how they got a statue of TLD in here, and further, I don't know how I missed it...but Cassandra saw it immediately and took this photo...pretty accurate representation, I think!

That's when things got a little weird.  This guy came up to me with 3 young girls...asked if I was traveling alone, and one young girl gave me a rose.  Hmmm, I thought...maybe they worked at the McDonalds and were on a break.  The guy asked if I thought they were pretty...said they were VERY flexible...oh, I said, are they part of the McDonalds gymnastic team?  He seemed confused, the girls seemed confused...the girl took her rose back and stomped off...but not before I got a photo...

I changed her hair colour because Cassandra thought maybe they were prostitutes...and if we were wrong, I didn't want her mother to see her!  I still think it was a gymnastic team...or something.  Well, that was it for the temple, but there was some old guys hanging around, so I got some photos of them...you know how I like those old men...hey, that doesn't sound right...

 

Time for bed...................do you think it was a gymnastic team?